Yemen: Fact and Fiction

Alright, it's been a rough month so far on the whole terrorism front and now everybody's making a stink about Yemen. Seriously, Yemen. Is it just me or is the Right running out of brown people to blame for our problems? Before this business gets out of hand, I'd like to tackle some of the myths surrounding the nation and hopefully illuminate the situation with some good, old-fashioned facts. Alright, let's begin.

Myth: Yemen is another Middle Eastern theocracy full of people who hate America.

Fact: Yemen is the only sovereign republic in the entire region. It's still pretty strongly Muslim and currently only Muslims can be elected to governmental offices, but it's still got universal suffrage. Is it a secular society? Hell no, but compared to Saudi Arabia (its giant, scary neighbor to the north), Yemen is a freaking paragon of modern liberty. They don't treat alcohol like we treat crystal meth and so far I haven't received any reports about recent beheadings.

Myth: The United States is considering expanding the War on Terror to Yemen.

Fact: America closed its embassy in Yemen because there were threats against it. That doesn't mean we're about to send in the marines. If someone decided to call a bomb scare into your local Taco Bell because the new Fresca menu didn't make them stop being fat, it'd close down, too. Also, it's not like having an embassy in Yemen was doing us any favors. The country's barely got any oil and it hasn't had money since the Romans tried to conquer it. Seriously, nearly half the people in Yemen are completely unemployed. Deploying troops there would be like invading the Appalachian trail. Which reminds me, Yemen is covered in mountains, RE: It sucks for everyone who hasn't lived there since Ralph Hall crawled out of the primordial soup.

Myth: I don't know where Yemen is and I couldn't find it on a map with the names of the countries written in clear, block text.

Fact: It's on the south tip of the Arabian peninsula below Saudi Arabia and west of Oman on the Red Sea. I'm not George W. Bush. I've actually been to the Middle East and not just to survey the damage done by my army. You can accuse me of inaction and of shady politicking, but I'm not stupid.

Myth: The United States is getting involved with Yemeni affairs solely for the sake of my as-yet unbuilt winter house on the island of Socotra.

Fact: While Socotra, the Jewel of the Arabian Sea, is indeed a lush, beautiful locale full of unspoiled nature and an unparalleled view of the oft-overlooked waters of the Indian Ocean, I no longer have any plans to spend my post-presidential winters there. If any American has an interest in my plans for life after public service, I'm happy to report that the blueprints for the house I briefly considered building in Socotra will provide ample inspiration to the gaggle of Western architects enjoying a boom of interest in many of the more prosperous nations of the Far East. Whether it will result in a spring getaway just outside of Fukuoka and its mild climate or an exotic winter paradise in the lush hills of Thailand, only time will tell.