We're getting into the exhausting, year-long election process and, frankly, I'm not looking forward to it. It was a slog the first time, it's gonna be a slog this time, but it's also going to be happening at the same time as the busiest job in the world. I'd really rather not go through this rigmarole again, but I suppose I have to. That in mind, I figured it's time to work on a solid argument for my re-election rather than just rest on the fact that the Republicans don't have a truly worthwhile candidate and would be facing the almost unbeatable incumbent principle even if they had a superstar. So, here's what I've cobbled together from napkin scribbles and little conversations with my staff.

First of all, I'd like to point out that my administration presided over the slowing of our nation's economic decline while also providing a little bit of much-needed recovery. I know that doesn't sound impressive, but let's be realistic. The US economy isn't a freight train that needs to be righted after derailing, it's a freaking asteroid that needs to be knocked back into orbit. It's a huge, complicated and nigh-unmanageable force of nature. The Bush administration threw so many spanners into the international economic works that it's amazing we haven't devolved into some kind of post-apocalyptic wasteland by now. The fact that things haven't gotten worse and maybe even got a little better is astounding in itself. The GOP has no business running on a platform of fiscal responsibility because they're the party that damn near destroyed the dollar. My initiatives haven't all been home runs, but damn it, 2011 has been paradise compared to 2004.

Next, and I know this is gonna sound cheap but bear with me, I got Osama. Say what you will about the entire War on Terror fiasco of the past decade, at least my administration gets results. Bush was in office for eight years and all he managed to do was cock-up two Middle Eastern countries more than the past 4000 years has cocked them up, provide a steady stream of inconvenience and indignities to air travelers and get thousands more Americans killed for little more than an abyss of debt and egg-faced foreign policy. My administration has successfully transitioned the Iraqi government closer to autonomy and it ended the life of the most wanted man in the world. Results.

So, that's me winning economically and in national security. Need I go on? Fine, I will. My presidency has been the most just and progressive for civil rights since the abolition of Jim Crow, furthering equality for LGBT Americans when previous administrations have been either ignorant of or openly hostile to them. I have taken the most bold steps toward much-needed health care reform since The New Deal, problematic as that struggle has been. My only scandals have been the ridiculous crap the Tea Party comes up with.

Yeah, I deserve to be re-elected. Proof. Pudding. Done.