Who Needs Health Care Anyway?

To hell with it.

Yeah, that's right. Why don't we just drop the whole thing, forget it ever happened? I mean, it was just some silly ploy to get me elected, right? Affordable health care is for losers. In fact, being healthy might as well be called "being a retainer-wearing asthmatic spaz named Poindexter". We're in America. It's better to be cool than, ya know, have a functioning liver or the ability to breathe without a home-made ventilating apparatus. I know my childhood would have been improved by a complete lack of medical coverage.

This whole "universal health care" thing was kind of an iffy venture anyway. It's not like my party has the majority in Congress. Oh, wait. They do? A super majority, you say? Well, I don't know how we Democrats can hope to pass such a widely supported idea as universal health care with a super-freaking-majority in both freaking houses of the chief freaking legislative body in the United freaking States of America. Why, all us donkeys can't hope to get re-elected after passing the bill that keeps your grandma alive and gives new hearts to dying babies. That one's a real lead balloon in the court of public opinion.

So, fine. I'll go talk to those dolts in Congress next week. I'll have to remember to bring the big speakers so they can all hear me over the nagging, hacking coughs of 46 million uninsured Americans. Since I actually do have insurance, being rich and the head of the entire damn country, that means I can bring a proctologist along, too, for the inevitable cranial-rectal separation procedures necessary at all congressional gatherings.

Why oh why did the English have to be the ones to successfully colonize this country? Why couldn't we have the Dutch instead? We'd all be healthy and laid-back and there would be brownies everywhere. At least that's how I imagine it. Heck, at this point I'd even go for the Swedes. Our furniture would be awesome.

Aw, listen to me. I'm getting all worked up again. Michelle says I need to take it easy, not to get all riled like I do. "Kick back, have a beer, play with Bo and forget all of this business for a while". She's good to me, but by God am I ever sick of this stress. Joe's no help. The man's tough to deal with behind closed doors. I swear, in public he's just an ornery sack of put-upon contempt, but when the cameras are off it's like having Foghorn Leghorn in a Brooks Brothers suit. "Ah say, Ah say... git them dern Re-publicans awn the docket, son!" Ugh. I just gave myself the shivers.

Oh, and North Korea's enriching uranium now. That's just great. That's exactly what I need right now. Just pile it on, fellas. Not like I'm busy anyway. Seriously, Jong-Il, don't you have anything better to do? "Lookimee, America! I'm being bad!" Seriously. Grow up and get a decent freaking haircut, you loon. High and tight. That's how I rock it.

I bet G.W.'s sitting in a damn lawn chair with a bottle of Mike's and laughing his fool ass off. Like a clown. Like a clown who stuck a cherry bomb into a chocolate cream pie and set it down in a room with white walls. I'm gonna talk to Dr. Goldman, see if that metaphor means anything.