Tonight I'm gonna party like it's 2016 and Palin got abandoned on a mission to the moon. These college kids think I'm so fly... no, they know I'm so fly, that's why they all voted for me. Yeah, they alllll voted for me. Like, the demographic that "never, ever votes" came out like a freaking parade just to put my sweet caboose in the Oval Office. And now I'm back, trotting around in their auditorium telling them how I'm gonna give their sick, injured selves insurance even if it kills me. Man, I miss my 'fro.

That cheeseburger in the caf was really, really good. I totally forgot how awesome that stuff tastes. I mean, I got a five-star chef on retainer at the dubya-aych, but venison cutlets with pepper couli ain't got a private line to my sense memory. Yeah, it's a beautiful thing, the taste of subsidy beef while sitting on re-purposed park bench, dropping eaves on the stories of last night's rage. Baby's first 99 Bananas bender, five-page essays hanging like a cartoon anvil in the air above a hundred pretty heads, the promise of young, stupid, insane love.

Me and Geithner gonna crash the Alpha Tau kegger and show the rising electorate how business gets done in the D.C.

The best part about being President? I'm not gonna lie, it's the Secret Service goons. I'm surrounded by a few thousand camera phones with lithium batteries that last for days at a time. I don't need pictures, even fuzzy ones, getting back to Michelle, so I'm gonna make sure the boys confiscate anything incriminating. I'm not planning on being too bad, but the last thing I need right now is to come home to that needle-stab gaze just because Jell-O shots make a Prez wanna dance.

And anyway, how can I fight for the public option my party wants if I'm not allowed to fight for the option to party with my public? See, unlike some Presidents of the 21st century, I know how to have my fun while I'm getting the job done. The only floods my people are gonna have to deal with while I'm in office are floods of economic prosperity and social justice.

It's almost a shame Condi isn't around any more. Girl was crazy, but when she cut loose she brought a damn chainsaw, know what I'm saying? Then she started shacking up with that Canadian guy and got boring. I mean, I heard stories about those Bush administration shindigs, and believe me with that wanna-be cowboy Yaley in office they were most certainly shindigs. Greenspan told me about this time Cheney showed up late to the ho-down with a bottle of Old Crow in one hand and some nasty looking dagger in the other. A.G. said he went back into some secret room behind a bookcase for a couple hours and came out with the empty bottle. And the dagger? Only God and Cheney know the end of that sick little chapter.

But those days are over. Obama's on the scene and these kids don't know what's about to hit them. Man, I'm juiced about this business. Ain't no party like a POTUS party 'cuz a POTUS party don't succumb to the lazy politics of congressional sluggishness and big business corruption. Boo to the ya.