Spies? Seriously, spies? Dubya-tee-eff, Russia? I thought we were getting along so well, too. The Cold War ended twenty years ago, your president is a life-long believer in democracy, we had that cool pow-wow about nuclear non-proliferation. I mean, what happened? Was it something I said? I was under the impression that we had moved beyond that period in our relationship. Well, apparently one of us has a little bit of growing up to do.

What really hurts about it is that you sent eleven of them. Not just one, not two so the first one could have a partner. No, you sent eleven. That's a lot of spies, Russia. In fact, that may be too many spies. Why did you send so many? Did you really have so much espionage to do that you had to put just shy of a dozen trained operatives on a plane to America? Like, were you all sitting around in that building that's totally the KGB headquarters even though you say the KGB doesn't exist anymore, talking about all the spying you were going to do in the United States when Yuri (he's my imaginary Russian spy boss character), Yuri was all like, "How many men should we use?" and Boris (one of his best employees) was like, "I think we can do it with ten". But then there was this young upstart Russian spy assistant executive named Vladimir who raised his hand and said, "I for one think that's overly optimistic. The figures clearly show that it would be foolish to do this with any less than eleven." Boris was probably steaming about that, but Yuri apparently liked Vlad's initiative so eleven it was.

Whose idea was it? Was it yours, Medvedev? I tried to ignore your snide comments about the kick-ass burgers we had while you were in town, but this, I can't just ignore this. I thought we were tight, Dmitry. I thought we were bros. It's like none of that stuff means anything to you and... my God, Medvedev, you didn't go see those spies while you were in America, did you? Oh, God. You did. You said you were coming here to talk about the global economic crisis but you were really here just so you could hang out with your stupid spy friends! I feel so... so betrayed, so unwanted.

I think you know by now, if you didn't know from the start, that this is totally unacceptable. This is not how two of the world's most powerful countries ought to be interacting. And before you say anything about all those American spies you keep catching in your country, we both know that's completely different. America has spies everywhere. Why should Russia be special? I mean, screwing with other countries is what we do, it's kinda our thing. We don't get on your case when you drink too much vodka and oppress one of your neighboring nations, so we shouldn't be getting crap from you about committing a little bit of light espionage every now and then. I hope you've learned your lesson, Russia. Maybe from now on we can behave like civilized nuclear powers and stop with all the sneaky stuff.

Seriously. Eleven.