Back at Columbia University there was this guy everyone called Rover. His real name was Terry but if you ever called him that he'd start barking and try to bite you. In other words, a real prick. Well, Terry... I mean "Rover", didn't care who he had to piss off to get the things he wanted. He'd threaten to start a fist fight if the boys got a keg of beer he didn't like or he'd toss water balloons at the girls who wouldn't go out with him. Every day it was something new with Rover and it was never funny. After a solid year of his nonsense I finally decided to stand up to him. My cousin sent me a box of awesome cigars for Christmas and I wasn't about to share them with just anyone. I handed a few out to my closest friends and one to a professor I wanted to impress. Of course, Rover wanted one, not that he even smoked cigars, but that was irrelevant. I put my foot down on that one and Rover just flipped. He started pushing me, calling me some pretty nasty names and even snapping at me with those ugly teeth of his. No matter what happened I held my ground and kept telling him "no". That dumbass didn't get one solitary speck of tobacco from me. So, yeah, I'm not gonna back down on this Arizona issue, either.

I've given up a lot of ground on just about every issue I've tackled since my inauguration. I've tried to make nice with everyone, even the folks who don't have a friendly bone in their bodies. I think I've given Arizona ample time to reconsider its new immigration enforcement law and they've decided to be stubborn. Well, I can be stubborn, too. Sorry, Arizona. You don't get to be racist today. You don't get to legally harass brown people just because you've always wanted to. I've got a million little problems to tackle in this country and I'll be damned if I'm going to let this little shred of fascism be a million and one.

Let's be honest about the law, Arizona. It's not a new measure to protect American citizens and take pressure off the job market. It's not a way to keep drugs off the streets and keep kids out of gangs. It's an attempt to enforce apartheid on American soil. It's cops walking up to people and demanding to see their papers, like they're dogs that need to prove their pedigree. If you want riots, you're off to a great start.

And before anyone starts criticizing me for overstepping my bounds as President, go read the US Constitution. I believe the term used to describe the Federal Government's role in immigration concerns is "preeminent authority". For all you illiterates who still think the new law is a good idea, that means this is my freaking house so I say who comes and who goes. I've been trying to remind the rest of the world why they still hang out with us. And you, Arizona? You're just another Rover.