This is insane. This is just not fair. How freaking ironic is it that we're having a conference about global warming in a city that's this cold? I swear, I think there's snow in my lungs. In my lungs. Like even the air I breathe is cold enough to get into my body and stay frosty enough to have a lasting layer of slush over everything. This is ridiculous. What's so freaking special about Copenhagen?

Honestly, I don't know a damn thing about Denmark. I think they used to have some vikings or something, but I don't know. I thought that this was the place with all the awesome pastries, but my aids tell me I'm thinking of the Netherlands. I mean, I know for a fact that there's an awesome pastry called a danish, but I haven't seen a single one since I got here. Not even those iffy apple ones. Personally, I always go for the cream cheese danish. It's like having dessert for breakfast and nobody looks at you funny for it. Like, "Yeah, don't mind me, I'm just gonna eat a big, honkin' piece of cheesecake on top of a doughnut and it's not even 9:00 AM. Enjoy your granola and cantaloup."

All I've had to eat since I got here is fish. Ugh. Most of it was cold, too.

Anyway, we've been talking a lot about climate change and all the stuff we'd probably better do sooner than later to, ya know, keep the planet from melting or something. I've only been half paying attention. It's not like I need to be on my game or anything, at least not with Al Gore around.

Seriously, when folks plop themselves down in Europe to talk about global warming, you might as well get a pair of those fake glasses with drawings of eyes on them and catch some z's if your name isn't Al Gore. When that guy strolls into the room (and he does stroll) it's like Michael Jackson popped out of the grave and started performing his greatest hits. Didn't we used to laugh at this guy? Man, the world is totally upside down.

And to make matters worse the health care bill is getting slaughtered. I step out for a couple days and this is what happens? When the hell did Congress go from being a bunch of revolutionary poets to being a play pen full of toddlers with ADD? Earth to Democrats: The GOP is going to vote against everything you propose. All of them. At once. If you drafted a bill to officially declare rainbows pretty, they'd close ranks on the basis that arches are inefficent color delivery structures. I feel like I'm chasing my tail here.

I think maybe I'll call Will Smith and have him sit in for me in the next meeting. Nobody would notice and anyway, he owes me one for giving him that camera time at the Nobel thing. I've just gotta get out of here. I'm from Hawaii. This cold is just too much.