How in the hell did Carter do it? How could he lock himself in a room with these people for days at a time? I spoke to Netanyahu and Abbas on opposite sides of the room, several hours apart and I could still feel this... this... seething, irrational hatred just emanating from them like old, half-busted radiators in a brutal North Dakota January. Geez, now I'm spinning homilies, or talking like a freaking dime-store novel detective. I hate going to the U.N.

I don't know which would have been better; talking to Netanyahu before his big Iran rant or after. I mean, I don't like dealing with Ahmadinejad any more than anyone else does, but Ben's got a special kind of venom for that little twerp. Like a little G.W. that speaks Farsi... ugh, I just shuddered.

Abbas isn't much better. He's like a broken wind-up toy. Sometimes I think he forgets every English word he ever learned except for "settlement". You'd think the leader of one of the youngest countries in the world would be more interested in getting medicine to his people and making sure the crazy hicks with guns don't route the next election cycle. But no, Abbas just can't stop bitching about how a few Jews are building houses in his neighborhood. Man, when the Goldsteins commissioned that cute split-level down the street back in Chicago my property value jumped 5%.

So now I've gotta come up with some way to get these two hot-heads into the same room and play nice for long enough to make it so farmers stop beating up strangers with bats and teenagers will think twice before strapping homebrew dynamite to their chests. Maybe I can tell Netanyahu that I've got a bunch of jelly doughnuts (dude loves the raspberry JD) and then tell Abbas we're having an Ugly Betty party in the same place at the same time. They'll probably be pretty pissed at first when they see one another, but I'll have it covered. We'll chow down on some Krispy Kreme and watch the one where Betty and Henry go on a double date with Hilda and Gio. It'll be all good from there on out.

The hardest part is gonna be explaining to Ben that I'm not gonna give him any more guns. Bush spoiled Israel pretty thoroughly on that front. It's gonna be just like the time Sasha and Malia stayed over with their grandma and she gave them cookies every day. I'll just have to sit Ben down and explain to him in a calm, even tone that just because G.W. sent huge munitions packages to the West Bank doesn't mean that daddy's... ahem, I'm going to.

It's gonna be a long freaking year, I can already tell. At least Bill Clinton's got the North Korea angle covered. Say what you will about his taste in women, that man's got diplomacy locked down tight. Maybe I'll give him a call if the whole doughnut thing doesn't work out.