Saddest Day of my Presidency

Doesn't appreciate a good hammer-punch

I don't know what to do with myself, diary. I thought I was prepared. I went into this job, this honor thinking that I had built up a bulwark against every distressing thing that could possibly happen, but I was wrong. I mean, I knew this day was going to come sooner or later, I just didn't think it would happen now. Sure, the guy was old, but I thought he had more fight left in him. I've seen him face some pretty intense pressure in his arena. He sparred with the best and came out looking like a marble god. I thought he was gonna keep on fighting, keep on forging ahead no matter what unfair pain came his way. But he went down and there's nothing any of us could have done.

Why, Lord? Why did this have to happen? Why did Randy Couture have to lose to Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira?

I've been following Couture his whole career. When he retired in '05 after his second fight with Chuck Liddell, I knew he would come back. You just can't keep a man as powerful as Couture down. Without a doubt, the day he came rushing back in top form to rip the Heavyweight Championship Belt from that poser Tim Sylvia's sissy little hands was the happiest day of my life.

Gabriel Gonzaga put up a damn good fight at Mandalay Bay in '07, but even a separated ulna and truckload of bruises couldn't keep my boy Couture from defending his crown. I still think the judges were out of their minds when they gave the match to Brock Lesnar in September 2008. Randy's always been a humble guy and that fight was no exception, but he shouldn't have let that slide. I've seen some real injustice in my time, but that was easily the worst abuse of power I can think of. And anyhow, even if Couture did lose that fight fair and square, it's only because he was forced to stay out of the Octagon for so long because of that bullcrap legal battle with the UFC. What do those suits even know about the glory of battle anyway?

And oh yeah, we had to go to Ted's funeral today, so I totally missed the fight. Great freakin' timing, Kennedy. You couldn't have waited another couple days? We were supposed to watch the fight on Pay Per View together. I guess we know who's the real fan and who's just the dabbler now, don't we? Michelle said she'd have one of the aids tape it, but that stupid kid Jeremy did it with the tracking all screwed up so the picture was wobbly. Yeah, well now he won't even be able to get a job at the freaking Burger King on the Mall. I had the boys at Langley give Mr. "I'm Too Young To Remember 4-Head VCR's Without Auto-Tracking" an overdue vacation to Eastern Europe.

Damn. I knew I forgot to do something. I totally promised, like, everybody I was gonna close down those prisons. Sigh. Being president is hard.

Wait. I just found the memo. I did close them down. Then where did the CIA take Jeremy? Meh, whatever. I'm the freaking president.