As promised, now that the Iraq draw-down is in full effect I have decided to shift my focus primarily to repairing the troubled U.S. economy. This will be no easy task but I think the American people are up to it. I've been traveling around the nation for the past week and the word I keep using is "infrastructure". America needs a massive overhaul on its roads, bridges and other essential components of our daily lives and businesses. In my tour of the nation, I've also noticed one other, very important thing. Most of America is boring. Really freaking boring, as a matter of fact. It's like this nation is an ice cream sandwich made of bland vanilla and two cookies of pure crazy. Why are the coasts so much more fun than the middle? My sources say density is the issue. There are just more people on the coasts per square mile. That in mind, I have a multi-tiered plan to rejuvenate the middle of America with a few major changes.

1. Ohio, pick a city

Ohio could be really interesting if the people who live there would just pick one major city and stick with it. There's no reason a state with such a mediocre population ought to have three major cities and a smattering of half-formed burgs in between. So, I'm leaving it to you, citizens of Ohio. Choose one city from among Cleveland, Columbus and Cincinnati. When you've made your decision, you should begin migrating there if you don't already live there. The effort to refurbish the city of your choosing to accommodate the massive influx of people will create countless jobs and promote more efficient modes of energy production and transportation. The larger collection of people will also promote creativity and culture as different kinds of people interact with each other in closer confines than ever.

2. Kansas City battles for state ownership

I know I'm not alone in my desire to see Kansas City finally decide whether it's in Kansas or Missouri. That's why I think the most logical thing to do at this point is to have a massive battle royale between the two opposing sides of the city. All participants in the battle will be given financial performance bonuses and the city itself will be closed off by a series of toll checkpoints that will serve as both a way to profit from the inevitable exile of pacifists and a way to generate income from without as other bloodthirsty Americans join the fray. Combined with the massive viewership of a cable network dedicated to covering the battle around the clock, this could generate millions, even billions of dollars for the country and finally settle this geographic issue once and for all.

3. Transform Detroit into a prison, officially

Look, though nobody wants to admit it, it's pretty obvious that Detroit isn't going to get any better. I think it's time we consider walling off the city, relocating its law-abiding citizens and turning it into America's single, massive penal colony. We could save billions by closing our nation's many, many prisons and transferring all prisoners to Detroit where they couldn't possibly make it more ugly and dangerous than it already is. Again, there are some TV possibilities in this arrangement and the influx of new people into other American cities could be very beneficial to the infrastructure revamp on the horizon.