My Christmas List

Dear Santa,

Hi, it's me, Barack Obama. The President. Well, not your president. The United States has very little claim on the territories around the North Pole, but our intel satellites indicate that you have been hard at work constructing toys and performing test launches for your latest model of sleigh. Don't worry, the only reason we had our CIA eyes on you is because it turns out that reindeer emissions are chemically indistinguishable from the industrial byproducts of the uranium enrichment process. Our boys have you in the clear and I want to assure you that the killing of the elf known as Twinkle Blinkins has nothing to do with any of our surveillance. We aren't ready to point fingers just yet, but our sources say it was either the result of an over-zealous Russian oil expedition or possibly some drunk hunters from Norway that got their hands on old Soviet munitions. Anyway, I think you'd agree that I've been a very good boy this year (Nobel Peace Prize and everything), so I thought I'd take this opportunity to send you my wish list for Christmas 2009.

First, I'd really like a nice, sturdy spine. Not for me, at least not directly. It's really for the Democrats in Congress. They've got a respectable majority but they still act like they have to compromise on everything. It's like a bunch of pages forgot to tell them that we won, and we won big, in 2008. I mean, America wrote the Left a blank check to pass all that legislation people have been clamoring for since the 90's. You'd think they would take advantage of that before it all goes down the tubes. Seriously, getting stuck with the Dems is like being forced to eat with the sweaty hall monitor kids in junior high.

Next, I'd like a year's supply of caulk. I know I've told everyone that the Cash for Caulkers program is all about weather-proofing houses so the common people can save money on energy, but that's just the cover my man Sammy in the spin department came up with. Sammy's a great guy. I know he's Jewish, but do you think you could drop a little something off at his place this year? Nothing fancy, maybe just a nice tie. Anyway, the real reason I came up with Cash for Caulkers is that I really love caulk. I don't know why. Ever since I was a kid I've been fascinated by the stuff. It just seems magical, ya know? I use it for everything. I seal my official letters with it (as I'm sure you've noticed), I stuff it up my nose when I know I'm gonna be around something that smells bad, i.e. Joe Biden's awful cologne. And don't tell anyone, but every now and then on special occasions I hide a little bit underneath a hotdog. Caulk. Can't get enough of it.

Last and most important, I really want an X-Box 360. There's this awesome game for it where you're this Irish dude working for the French Resistance and you get to drive around Paris killing Nazis and stuff. There is nothing more American than killing Nazis, plus the graphics look pretty cool and I hear there's this special thing you can download that shows boobs right there in the game. I haven't wanted something this much since I was running for President. If you do think I deserve the X-Box, which I do (Nobel Prize), make sure to sneak it into my office instead of putting it under the tree with the rest of the stuff. Michelle won't let me have one, so it'll have to be our little secret.

Anyway, that's all for now, Santa. I'd love to have you drop by the White House one day to chat. It'd thrill the kids and I can attest to the quality of the milk and cookies around here. Oh, I almost forgot. There are approximately 27 chimneys in the White House, 12 of which are secret. I've included blueprints to show you which ones are viable points of entry. Please don't share this information with terrorists or white supremacist groups.

Yours,

-Barack H. Obama