I'm so glad I have you, diary, because without you I wouldn't be able to vent all the really awesome secrets I learn, like, every single day as President. Seriously, I thought this kind of stuff only happened in those National Treasure movies (which rule, by the way) but the neat-o presidential super-secrets are totally a part of the job. The thing that sucks is that I can't tell anybody about them. All the people I'm allowed to talk to about them already know them, so where's the fun in that? Anyway, these are my three favorite secrets I just learned recently. If I don't get them out somewhere, I'm gonna explode.

1. All People Named Obama Can Communicate Telepathically

So, during my recent trip to China I spent some time with my half-brother Mark. He's pretty cool, I guess. He plays piano or something. I dunno, we don't talk about work. Of course CNN was all over this like Joe Lieberman in a GOP butt-kissing line. In their article they say they asked Mark whether or not he and I talk on a regular basis. He said, "I would rather not go into that for various reasons, but we know how to get in contact with each other if we have to." Yeah, he doesn't want to get into it because if the world knew that psychics walked among the normal, everything would go crazy. There are approximately fifty families on Earth who have a genetic predisposition to extrasensory perception and the Obama clan is one of them. Me and Mark fire up the old telepathy once a month or so just to chat. Also, I can start fires with my thoughts.

2. I Am Fighting a Secret Cultural War in China with Sarah Palin

I said my trip to China was a diplomatic mission to strengthen ties between two of the most powerful nations in the world. Yeah, I did that, but only to keep up appearances. The real reason I went to China is because I had to undo the damage Palin did when she went there a couple months ago. The population of the country is evenly divided between us, but Palin's got more ports than I do and I'm afraid that my railroad dominance will soon be obsolete. If I'm going to capture the growing soft drink market I'll have to act fast.

3. We've Already Enacted Universal Health Care

Okay, if you're some jerk who's reading this diary without my permission (which is really not cool) you'd be the biggest dick in the world to let this one out. The United States government has been in the process of putting universal health care in motion for about three months now. We've been doing it without the permission of the Congress because, as everyone knows, they suck. We have to let the Republicans think they're being effective because they get a little crazy when they're not fighting something. As soon as the Senate votes up the plan this weekend we can end the charade, but until then it's secret business as usual.

Whoa, I'm glad I got that all out. A big weight has been lifted from my chest. Thanks, diary. You're the best.