To My American Colleague in International Politics,

I would first and foremost like to express my gratitude for your hospitality in the United States, Mr. Obama. It brings such warmth to my heart to see our two great nations, which were at odds for too long in the past, coming together as brothers reconciled in front of our family, which is the entire world. I wish I could say I felt as welcome in your country during the previous administration's lengthy tenure. The accommodations provided for me and my family were more than adequate and I must say that my son, Ilya, is quite impressed with your country's selection of sugary drinks. At 15, I need not tell you how difficult it is to coax a smile from the boy. As for your choice of venue for our lunch meeting, I must express my concern for the message it will likely send to the rest of the globe.

Mr. Obama, each day I swim three kilometers and spend a half hour lifting weights. When the weather is pleasant, I greet it with a brisk jog. For my nerves and my spirit I engage in a bit of yoga now and then. Am I prepared for an Olympic competition? Perhaps not, but I do what I can to fit a little dedicated wellness into my very busy schedule. I like to think I am setting an example for the new Russia. Now, I do not think so little of my people that I fear their reaction to my public consumption of an immodest sandwich at your Ray's Hell Burger restaurant, but I would be a fool to not be just a little concerned.

I am an understanding man, Mr. Obama. I conceive of your country's connection to the beef industry. You are proud of your cows, as you should be. They are fine animals, very strong. This is what makes me wonder why you would do such a thing to one of them. To slather them with eggs, mayonnaise, so many strange sauces... Mr. Obama, there was bone marrow on my sandwich. I have learned in my time that a thing can be made delicious with love, as one's mother gives her tender attention to a pot of soup, but a thing can also be made delicious with brutality. I admit, I do not know enough about the social intricacies of your culture to know whether you see love in this brutality, but my own eyes are blind to it.

When I had you as a guest in Moscow not a year ago, we took tea in the Winter Garden. I did this to show you the elegance and refinement of Russia in the 21st century. I did this to bring a smile to the faces of your lovely daughters and to show the world that our nations have put our rivalry in the ground in favor of a more civilized coexistence. This is a happy memory for me. What message do you hope to send by seating us together at such a table as Ray's Hell Burger? Is this an appeal to the average, common man? Perhaps in America it is, but beyond her borders I must inform you that the average, common man does not feast on pounds of ground beef made unholy with such irresponsible garnish.

I do not want to convey that I did not enjoy our lunch, Mr. Obama. It was quite tasty, to be sure. I am simply suggesting that it is important for the world to see its two greatest nuclear powers able to smile without showing blood and bones in our teeth.

Sincerely,

-President Dmitry Medvedev