Hey there, Mr. President. My name's Lloyd Thompson. I'm a lifelong Ohioan, an electrician by trade and chairman of the South Cincinnati Welcome Committee. I just gotta say right off the bat how excited we all are that you'll be coming to town next week to talk about your jobs bill. Some of us agree with you, some may need some convincing and others are waiting to hear what you have to say before they sit on one side or t'other, but I'm not really here to talk politics. Truth is, we gotta have a little chat about the proposed location of your address. There's no gentle way to put this, so I'll just come right out with it: The Brent Spence Bridge is a very bad idea.

See, Mr. President, there was a time when the old BSB was a real convenience. A lot of workers, truckers and travelers relied on it to get them between Cincinnati and Covington. Yes, when I was a boy it was a real beauty of civil engineering. But we all know that nothing lasts forever, sir. These days, the BSB's just not pretty anymore. It's like them strippers who've been in the business too long. Raggedy, chewed up, no good for anyone.

And it's not that the BSB just doesn't look good anymore. We all know that things don't need to sparkle in order to work, but the bridge's troubles go deeper than that. Truth is, smart folks avoid even so much as walking on the BSB these days. A man takes his life into his own hands (and the hands of civil engineers long dead) when he chances to cross the Brent Spence. I think we're both aware that Ohio hasn't had the easiest time of it lately with the economy and all. Some towns ain't even hiring in the grocery stores where the turnover used to be high enough to guarantee work for anyone who wanted it. If there's no money to pay a kid to stock shelves, there's certainly not enough tax revenue to put a bridge back in working order.

So, maybe you don't actually give your speech at the BSB. We won't be insulted, I swear. You don't need to put your life in danger just to prove a point about the crumbling infrastructure in this country. Seriously, we'll get the drift if you give your speech within sight of the bridge and just point to it when you're talking about creating construction jobs. Speaking as a proud Ohioan, I'd hate for my state to be the one that kills you, even if it's by accident. And actually, I'm not sure knowingly stepping onto the BSB and getting caught in a collapse counts as an accident.

I don't want you to think we don't appreciate your coming to visit us. We think it's mighty nice of you, especially since we've been trying to tell John Boehner about our road troubles for a while now and he hasn't called us back. Any of us. We're just concerned is all. None of us, not even the folks who didn't vote for you, want to see you get hurt over a political gesture. You understand, I'm sure. I'd be happy to help you set up an alternative location for your address. We can rent a park gazebo or schedule a party at the Ritter's. You like frozen custard, Mr. President? Sure, everybody does. But one thing nobody likes is being on a bridge when it crumbles under their feet.