Some people, mostly the vocal elements of the ever more cartoonish Right, have accused me and my party of having a comprehensive "Liberal Agenda". They say we're trying to make the country different from what it once was, that we have plans for America's future and nothing but the conservative bloc can stop us. Well, to that I have this to say:

My name is Barack Obama, I am the President of the United States of America and yes, I do have a big, gay, socialist, liberal agenda.

Let's break this one down, shall we? First off, my agenda is big. Wanna know why? Because America is a big freaking country, that's why. I'm sitting on top of a nation of 300 Million people and counting. Any plans I have sure as hell better be big or we'll be hitting some Perfect Storm style tidal waves of political garbage in nothing but a rubber dingy with sporks for oars.

And yeah, my agenda is gay, like the Shephard-Byrd Bill my party just passed in Congress to include sexual orientation in the language for hate crime laws. Excuse me for not wanting to live in a country where "dragging death" is a common phrase in local headlines. The elephants on the stump want me to veto the bill because they don't want their anti-gay campaigning material to be considered hate speech. That's a sad story and all convenient with its First Amendment stuff and everything, but I'm not about to Bush this one up just so Wilson and Boehner can have more RNC klan meetings in peace. News flash, GOP: Ten percent of Americans are gay, two percent and rich white guys and even then there's some overlap. Guess which one voted for me. If you've got a problem with me and the LGBT... what's the phrase they use? Oh, yeah. Get used to it.

You better believe my agenda is socialist, too. And why? Because socialist institutions freaking work, that's why. You know, evil pinko programs like public education that has been turning our children into communists for 150 years. Or how about those worthless US highways that have been keeping capitalist businesses down by giving them a clear, safe path between cities? We've especially gotta get rid of that gall-dern socialist military. Republicans just hate the military, I hear. Yeah, that socialist commie pinko universal health care system is gonna ruin our nation, ruin it right into a period of sustained prosperity and social justice.

So, okay. You got me pegged, GOP. I'm a Liberal with a giant blue L. By the time I'm out of office this country is going to be an intractable mess of reason. Sorry I ruined the little shindig y'all had going on during the Bush years. Guess you're gonna have to take your gay-bashing, single-mother-bankrupting, Madoff-stroking hides to some other corner of the globe. I've got too much on my plate to sing you folks a lullaby about how awesome life was in 1952.

And by the way: 420 tax weed every day.