I thought I really nailed it, ya know? I worked so hard on that speech. I did, like, a million drafts and I practiced it in front of the mirror. Sasha even taught me how to make my own youtube videos so I could really see how I looked and sounded before I did the whole thing in front of Congress. Man, it was rock-solid by the time I trotted down to Capitol Hill. Maybe the best speech of my life, even better than my 10th grade debate class final. Nobody knows about that one, diary, but it was epic. Totally blew the '04 convention speech out of the water, in retrospect at least. Yeah, but then that jerk Joe Wilson had to go and screw it all up.

What's his problem, anyway? He was just so mean. I'm not a liar, Joey! It was totally unfair the way he just shouted it out in the middle of my speech. I mean, he didn't even raise his hand or anything. Sure, it still would have hurt my feelings if he had waited patiently in his seat with that little light on beside his name plate. It doesn't make it any less painful to think of Pelosi seeing that light and going, "The Chair recognises the gentleman from South Carolina" and then Joe clearing his throat and saying, "Thank you, Madame Speaker. The delegation from the great state of South Carolina is in agreement concerning the resolution declaring that the President does indeed LIE!!!"

Which is not to say that I wouldn't have appreciated the decorum.

Anyway, Wilson totally threw me off for the rest of the speech. What started out as the most kick-ass slice of fried gold rhetoric in my entire career shriveled up into a sub-par piece of amplified junk. We're talking "McCain after the primaries, 'that's not change we can believe in'" amateur hour. I am still so freaking embarrassed.

When I got back to the White House I locked myself in my room for, like, seven hours. Michelle tried to bring me some tea, that cinnamon oolong stuff I really like, but I just wasn't in the mood. I hope I didn't snap at her too much. I know I get really moody about stuff like that. Gosh, being President is hard. I'll make sure to give her a backrub later to say I'm sorry.

As for Joe "I don't know what stately professionalism is" Wilson, he is so uninvited to the White House Halloween Bash '09. His loss, diary. There's gonna be some awesome punch and a costume contest. I bet Barney Frank is gonna win... again. Stupid checks and balances won't just let me fire Wilson, which I guess is a good thing. I should have the interns look through the books to see if there's some loophole there. Probably not, but it's worth a shot. G.W. certainly found plenty of them. The maintanance guys are still finding Cheney's secret weapon caches around the building. Man, that fella sure like ninja throwing stars.

So, screw you, Joey Wilson. I'm rubber, you're glue. And a jerk. A big wad of jerky glue.