President Barack Obama: I'm really having second thoughts about this lavender tie. I mean, I get really tired of blue and red all the time, so I try to mix it up, but I just don't think this cuts the mustard. I asked Michelle if it was distracting and she said no, but I can tell by the looks on the press people's faces that it is. It's just this girlie beacon keeping everyone from paying attention to what's coming out of my mouth and that sucks because I'm really very good with words. Oh, damn it, I let my gigantic, gangly hand stray over the podium again. I can't move it too quickly or I'll look weird. Sigh. This press conference is a disaster already.

Vice President Joe Biden: There's a thing on the back of Obama's neck. There's a thing on the back of Obama's neck. Whatareyou whatareyou whatareyou whatareyou? Is it a fuzz ball? Does the President get fuzz balls? Do... do I get them? Why doesn't anyone tell me about fuzz balls? Nobody ever tells me about anything. Oh God, it moves when he moves. Geez, maybe it's a growth of some sort. Shit. I'm not ready to be President. I get tired all the time and this term has been a god-forsaken gauntlet. I mean, the health care bill and Afghanistan and... and... is it an ink dot? I can't tell in this light. Maybe if I just reach over real quick... no. No, that wouldn't look good at all.

Secretary of the Treasury Timothy Geithner: I don't wanna be here. Stupid press conferences. I'm missing Hannah Montana. This is the third time this month and it's just not fair! Nobody likes me anyway. Everyone around the White House is so mean to me and I'm just sick of it. I'm short and I have a stupid haircut and the economy sucks and I wanna go home. This landscape painting sucks. It's boring just like my job is boring. I don't even like numbers. I told mom I wanted to be a racecar driver and she told me, "Timmy, racing is too dangerous and you don't even like competition." Well, no, I don't, which is why I don't think health insurance providers should have to compete with a cheaper government plan. Competition isn't nice. And none of my coworkers are nice. I wanna go home.

Council of Economic Advisers Chair Christina Romer: I know it's been a year, but I am just tickled pink to be on a real, live presidential press conference stage with Barack Obama. He is just so snappy, especially in that lavender tie. Gee, a I hope they take the press photos from a low angle to make him look all big and powerful. I love it when they do that. I wonder if I'm holding my hands like I'm supposed to? Biden does it all the time, but he's doing it a little different than me. It's probably a bit distracting. Speaking of distracting, Geithner smells like pee... again. Oh, well. Small price to pay to look important, I guess.

Gray-Haired Guy with His Head Obscured: Mff hmm guhf nih... sigh. Mm-hff.