I don't know how long I've been here. They... they won't let me near the windows. I have no idea why. There are bars on them. There are bars everywhere. The guards speak a dozen different languages through which they rotate in no particular pattern so I can't discern where I'm being held. They feed me irregularly. Sometimes every few hours, sometimes every day or so. It's so hard to tell. I can't imagine what kind of havoc has resulted from my imprisonment. For a long while, I pinned this one on Joe. From the moment I met him I sensed a kind of rage in Biden, a melancholy time bomb that would go off one day before he leaves this world. But now, now I'm not so sure. I have reason to believe that my old friend hasn't betrayed me, that this mess goes a lot deeper than simple revenge or blind ambition. My name is Barack H. Obama and the man you know as your President is an impostor.

My captors are unaware of it, but there is a fragile section of wall in my cell. I have been slowly chipping away at it during shift changes. My meager food supply has left me gaunt and spindly, but this has served to my advantage. My newly emaciated form has made it possible for me to slip through the tiny fissure I have been able to carve in the wall. I hoped to find a path to the outside, which I still may, but for now I have only discovered pathways through this facility itself. It has been through my wanderings that I have learned about the world beyond my captivity.

Whoever set this insidious plan in motion has gone to great lengths to replace me with an uncanny replica. The false Obama has so deeply sullied my campaign promises that I fear I may never be able to rectify the damage. I have watched as he signs ludicrous bills into law, fails to act on simple repeals of antique, bigoted laws and worst of all continues to exacerbate the violence perpetrated by my beloved country.

Is this what our nation has come to? Are my opponents so averse to progress that they are willing to damn the world to preserve the status quo? Perhaps I shouldn't have been so vocal from the outset. After my election, I had every intention of executing the simplest promises first. It would have been a matter of a day to repeal Don't Ask, Don't Tell, a mere month to close Guantanamo Bay and easily under a year to broker an exit plan for Iraq. Those very things were on my agenda on Day 1. I never got to sign a single document.

I have watched the television reports while hidden in the guards' quarters. I see things like this health care bill which is a mockery of the plan I proposed during the campaign. It sickens me that some fraud has forged my signature on such an abominable piece of legislation. But that is nothing when compared to the intentional hypocrisy of this recent decision to legalize off-shore drilling. My only hope is that such a maneuver is a sign of sloppiness on my captor's part. Surely the American people must realize that something is amiss when the man calling himself Barack Obama promotes such a contradictory policy.

I must not lose faith, not now. It is imperative that I escape my confines, that I return to my rightful post as a tireless representative of the people of America and right the wrongs that have been done in my name. Sure as my name, my name is Barack H. Obama, I will fight with every last ounce of my strength to defeat the evil that has endeavored to destroy me and my country. If you find this message, bring it to whatever authority you trust and have it analyzed for clues as to my whereabouts. The nation depends on you, citizen.