If news of this gets out I'll probably get in some deep trouble and it may result in an increase in violence around Kabul, but if so it was still totally worth it. I've found that the best part about being the President is how I get to learn so much about people from other countries. For example, on my trip to Berlin during the election I learned that Germans are really good a juggling. Who knew? Well, this week I found out that the hard-living people of Afghanistan have a nearly insatiable hunger for Buffalo wings slathered in Flamin' Joe's Sauce. I'm not exaggerating when I say that Hamid Karzai, the sitting President of Afghanistan, ate exactly one hundred of the hottest chicken wings I have ever tasted in a single day.

One thing that has always bothered me is how diplomats and other important people from foreign countries come to America and the only thing they see is Washington D.C., and not even all of D.C., just the Mall. Don't get me wrong, all the state buildings are nice and the White House is pretty posh, but that's not the real America. The idea to take a little field trip came to me during lunch on Tuesday. I knew I was going to be in Buffalo in two days, so I figured I'd do some prep work. No, not for the speech at the factory, I had that business on lockdown. I'm talking about giving my pampered statesman's tongue a chance to get back into some serious heat. Used to be I didn't have to practice for real spice. I mean, during my time in Indonesia I had some sinus-searing food so I was pretty hardcore by the time I hit my teens. Now? Now I've got to spend a day or two chomping on jalapenos and habaneros just to get back to normal. Then I took a bite out of what the White House kitchen calls "Buffalo Wings" and I knew they wouldn't properly represent our nation.

Karzai didn't tell anyone, but he decided to hang out in America for a little longer than he originally planned. "I don't have to tell you, Barry," he said, "Afghanistan... it is not a nice place." I was more than happy to hang with my buddy Karz for a few more days, but I wasn't going to cheat him out of proper eats while he was here. Using some crazy CIA spy gear we managed to get Karzai into Buffalo without anyone recognizing him. I did the factory thing and I guess it was okay, but then the real fun started. Karz and I grabbed a Secret Service detail and hit the town with a serious hunger for orange, burning chicken wings.

I thought I was going to show Karzai a thing or two about spicy drumlettes but I'm not embarrassed to admit I couldn't keep up. That guy can really put them away. He doesn't even act like they're hot. I saw him tackle a 16-piece basket of Rudy Ray's meanest wings and then only drink his Cherry Coke because "waste is a sin, you know". Here's the thing, Hamid Karzai is not a big fella. I have no idea how he kept on putting them away, but it seemed like he was only stopping out of courtesy to me. By the time the whirlwind of Buffalo sauce and chicken meat calmed to a gentle breeze, Karzai had demolished a confirmed 98 wings. When he asked Don the Secret Service guy for the final calculations, he sucked the meat right off the bone of two more just to make it an even 100.

And that, that is why we will never win in Afghanistan.