You know all those movies and fantasy novels that have one country to the East fighting another country to the West? Yeah, it almost never works out that way. Everyone knows that in the real world, the problem is always between North and South. That's certainly true in my life. If it weren't for that stupid, arbitrary divide, my life would literally be 50% easier than it is today. They keep saying I'm the most powerful man in the world, but what good is that if I can't even smoosh North and South together into one, big clump so nobody can tell the difference anymore?

Let's start with Korea. Frickin' Korea. Sixty years ago some jerk who had my job decided it was a good idea to indulge the Koreans in their own North/South issues and now I'm stuck with the never-ending aftermath. Thanks a lot, Truman. Apparently Harry forgot what it was like the first time we got in a war with East Asians. When you literally have to vaporize two whole cities just to get their attention, you think rolling in a battalion or two within spitting distance of China is going to do a damn thing? So, of course, three years of war didn't do anything but make the situation worse. Now I get word that a North Korean submarine torpedoed a South Korean ship and I've got to try to keep them from going hot again. That's just great. That's exactly what I need right now because I don't have enough on my plate already.

Closer to home, I've got to stop Arizona cops from turning into the damn Gestapo. Back when I was a naive community organizer, I really believed that the American system worked, that if you give states a certain amount of autonomy they'll be better equipped to keep order within their own borders. Yeah, then I got to the Senate and made my way up to the Oval Office. That fantasy went straight out the window. If you leave the states to their own devices, they do crap like Arizona. And why? Because Mexico is to the South of Arizona so folks from Arizona have an irrational, geography-based hatred for Mexicans. Thus a law that gives cops the right to harass anyone latino-looking for their papers like Tucson is some occupied territory in war time. Hopefully if I smack some sense into them things can go back to normal.

Because I've got enough North/South problems of my own. I know I campaigned on the idea that there aren't two Americas, that there are no red states or blue states, but that was just something I wanted to believe, sort of like how I wanted the new McGriddle Burrito at McDonald's to not suck. Every single day I contend with the stupidity spewing forth from below the Mason-Dixon Line. If I just had to deal with the Midwest it'd be no problem. At least they've got Chicago, Iowa City and those hippie towns in Colorado. It's not like I have to worry about Wyoming and its rabble-rousing population of 5. Oh, but the South. Seriously, if they seceded right now, I'd just let it happen. They could elect Palin and lose all the revenue generated by their gay citizens when they all move North and I'd never have to deal with their bloc in Congress ever again.

Damn General Grant. Damn him for his proficiency.