The following audio clips are selections from the current national debt talks taking place between President Barack Obama and key members of Congress. Speaker names are noted whenever possible.

 

President Barack Obama: Look, people. I've been getting up at the aching ass-crack of dawn every day for the past week just so I can stumble into this little room and listen to you spout nonsense at me. Damn it, we're going to get this thing done today or, God help me, I'm going to straight-up start beating people. Yeah, I'm looking at you, Cantor. I am definitely not afraid to hit a guy with glasses. I swear to all the powers that be, if you refer to the wealthiest 2% of Americans as "job creators" one more time, I will replace your nose with a bloody ruin that will make women scream and children weep and dogs howl in the night.

Representative Eric Cantor, R-VA: I, um, with all due respect, Mr. President, can't just sit idly by while this administration forces new taxes on the most successful people in the country just so you can further inflate the debt limit. I mean, that's digging us into an even deeper hole and we'll be back here in another two or three years having the same argument. You're tired, Mr. President. We're all tired, but fatigue is no reason to punish...

 

Obama: Don't f***ing say it, Cantor. I'm warning you.

 

Cantor: ...punish taxpayers for the failures of big government.

 

Senator Bernie Sanders, D-VT: Give it a rest, Eric. Calling American millionaires and billionaires "taxpayers" is like calling Sarah Palin a "politician". Sure, at one point it was true, but it sure as s*** isn't today. Hell, we wouldn't even have to be having this discussion if Bush hadn't cut Clinton's taxes on the wealthy in the first place. Remember the 90's, you child? Remember what it was like to have a government in the black? I do and I miss it something fierce.

 

Unidentified Man Standing in the Corner: Uh, excuse me? Mr. President, members of Congress? Why don't we just scale back our gargantuan military spending, stop wasting executive resources on marijuana possession and distribution enforcement, and stop wasting time in Congress arguing about a years-old lightbulb initiative?

 

Obama: Who the hell is this guy?

 

Sanders: How did some townie get in here? Bob, can you please escort this gentleman out? I mean, come on, seat of the nation here!

 

Cantor: I just want to clarify that I had nothing to do with this individual unless he was being specifically critical of the current administration.

 

Unidentified Man: Oh, no, I think the GOP is pretty awful, too. I mean, unless that elephant of yours craps money, I can't really see how your party thinks the government can make money without raising taxes. We're not living in a magical fantasy land here and... hey! Okay, okay, I'm leaving. Hands off.

 

Obama: Does anybody actually have something new to say?

 

Senator Ron Paul, R-TX: I'm quitting Congress! You can all go to hell!

 

Obama: Holy!.. have you been hiding in there this whole time, man? I was wondering who moved an antique armoire into this conference room.

 

Cantor: I want to clarify that nothing Representative Paul says is sanctioned by the Republican Party unless it supports points we've already tried to make but no one would listen to.

 

Sanders: He's like a little gremlin, isn't he? A gremlin who wants to legalize heroin and mint his own doubloons.

 

Obama: This is why we never get anything done. On days like this, I don't miss being in Congress one bit. Can we please get back to the task at hand?

 

Unidentified Man: Just one more thing... oh, hello Dr. Paul. Um, as I was saying, maybe if we made a piece of legislation that actually incentivized the hiring of U.S. citizens over outsourcing instead of enforcing a tax code that is full of loopholes for major corporations, we could revive the economy with loads of new jobs that would naturally generate taxable income...

 

Cantor: Somebody please shoot that man.

 

Obama: Don't even think about it. Larry, damn it, put away your gun. You don't work for anybody but me. How many times do I have to tell you? You don't have to listen to everybody who wears a flag pin. Look, let's take a break. Escort this guy out of the building, put Representative Paul back in his cage and brew some more coffee. We'll be back in 30 minutes. That should give Representative Cantor enough time to change his diaper and memorize a few more talking points from his GOP handlers.

 

Cantor: I want to clarify that I don't actually require a diaper.

 

End of tape.