Mr. President,

We, the men and women of the United States Congress, are pleased that you have been willing to come to the table so often and so diligently concerning our nation's current debt crisis. As we stand on the eve of one of the greatest compromises in the history of our admittedly contentious country, we would like to take this opportunity to ensure that all parties involved are aware of the nature of the concessions they have agreed to make in relation to our economic dealings. Please observe the following and know that a copy of this document has been delivered to every member of the House and Senate, as well as to every member of your cabinet.

Section I- Concerning the contents and distribution of s'mores in and among the House of Representatives

Abstract: It is the wish of the House of Representatives, as determined by a rare non-partisan vote, that the Office of the President of the United States provide one (1) serving of s'mores to each member of the House of Representatives weekly.

subsection a. A "portion" will consist of two (2) squares of Honey Made graham crackers no smaller than two (2) rectangular segments, one (1) square of Hershey's Milk Chocolate no smaller than four (4) rectangular segments and one (1) large Jet-Puffed marshmallow, heated until the chocolate and marshmallow contents are soft but not molten.

subsection b. Non-sugar, diabetic-friendly ingredients must be available for any Representative requiring them.

subsection c. A Representative has the right to refuse his or her weekly allotment of s'mores. A serving of s'mores is considered non-cumulative and non-transferrable.

subsection d. For as long as the Office of the President provides the House of Representatives with the weekly s'mores allotment, no individual or entity may provide s'mores to a sitting Representative. A sitting Representative may, however, provide s'mores to him or her self so long as the construction of said s'mores does not take place on government property.

 

Section II- Concerning the decision of the United States Senate to abstain from s'mores as provided by the Office of the President

Abstract: It is the will of the United States Senate that its sitting members and their staff, both local and itinerant, do not receive any scheduled distribution of s'mores as provided by the Office of the President.

subsection a. A member of the Senate, in accordance with this decision, may receive s'mores from any other source with the exception of corporate entities employing in excess of 500 individuals.

subsection b. S'mores provided to members of the Senate as campaign contributions will not be included in the campaign contribution limit for individuals.

subsection c. S'mores provided to members of Senate as campaign contributions may not be redistributed outside of the official's office, campaign non-profit organization or political action committee.

 

Section III- Concerning the use of s'mores ingredients by the Office of the President

abstract: It is the view of the combined houses of Congress that the Office of the President may not use those materials reserved for s'mores distribution to the House of Representatives for any other purpose.

subsection a. The Office of the President must keep a thorough inventory of all ingredients and other materials used in the construction and distribution of s'mores to the House of Representatives.

subsection b. The Office of the President may acquire and store materials identical or similar to the official s'mores materials, but they must be kept in a place separate from the official materials and clearly marked as non-official s'mores materials.

 

 

Thank you, Mr. President, for your attention in this important matter. May history look upon this compromise as a sterling achievement for our great republic.