Ever since I ran for President, a lot of false rumors and misconceptions about me and my family have floated around the water coolers, media outlets and surveys of America. There are a stunning number of people who believe things about me that just aren't true. Well, I've tried to dedicate my presidency to discontinuing the policy of secrets and dishonesty held by the last administration. It's my duty as an elected official to come clean about everything people have asked about me, from the most valid to the most unfounded. Here are my definitive answers, once and for all.

In a recent survey, one in five Americans stated that they believe I'm Muslim. I can't say exactly why they believe this. Perhaps it's my name, which has an Arabic root, or perhaps it's because I recently stated that I feel the proposed mosque and Muslim community center in Manhattan has every right to build on its intended location. Of course, it could also be because of a small-minded smear campaign aimed at me by people who want to muddy the waters of American politics with controversial (though irrelevant) details of my personal life. While I have great respect for the practitioners of Islam both at home and abroad, and I believe we as a nation need to embrace the message of peace and education that is central to the Muslim faith, I am not, myself, a Muslim.

This has caused a number of people to question what, if not Islam, my religion is. Many people believe me a Christian because I said I was during the election. Yes, during the 2008 presidential race I was, in fact, a practicing Christian. The reason this has even been a question likely has to do with my upbringing as an orthodox Jew. I recall my youthful days in the yeshiva, braiding my sideburns and watching my mother light the candles on Shabbat. It was a happy time, a simpler time. The day of my bar mitzvah remains one of the proudest moments of my life. Though I am not a practicing Jew any longer, I look on that period as one of value. To eliminate any confusion, I must admit that I have since left the Christian church and have adopted a new but no less valid faith. As of March 2010, I became a humble worshiper of Kaabu, the great spirit of Jupiter's moons. Kaabu's power and wisdom keeps Io, Europa, Ganymede, Callisto and 59 other celestial bodies revolving in harmony, so I bow to His might that He may lend balance to my own life.

Another misconception about me is that I wasn't born in the United States. Again, completely untrue. I am a lifelong American citizen, born right here in these United States like every other President before me. There has been some confusion, though, surrounding my birth certificate from Hawaii. This issue, I admit, is all my fault. It is a consequence of a younger, less prudent Barack Obama. I was actually not born in Hawaii. Rather, I was born in the bucolic countryside of rural Kansas. I spent my childhood baling hay and milking cows, longing for something bigger, something beyond my little farm town. It was that drive to greatness that brought me to the bustling streets of Chicago and eventually to the White House, but before that it was what compelled me to tell a small lie to my dorm mates at college about growing up on the gorgeous beaches of Hawaii. I even went so far as to print a fake birth certificate to prove it. I'm sorry for doing this and I hope my admission today clears this up once and for all.

So, now you all know the truth. I've told you my story, however improbable, and now it's time to end the discussion. There are more important things to talk about and if after reading everything I've written above you still need evidence of my faith and origin, then there is nothing I can do to convince you otherwise.

Kaabu Be With You,

-Barack Herschel Obama