All White House personnel be advised that as of midnight on December 25th we have all been in official holiday mode. This being the first time in eight years that a new Commander in Chief has occupied the house, a number of old traditions will be discontinued while some new customs will be instituted as per President Obama's wishes. Please be advised as to the following changes in Christmas procedure.

First of all, as Jasper Barnes, the only member of the house staff to have had a position at the White House prior to George W. Bush's stay among us, has frequently attempted to explain to everyone, the 50-foot crucifix has not been a traditional White House holiday decoration since the presidency of Lyndon Johnson. It was, in fact, one of Mr. Bush's own additions and will no longer be a part of our regular Christmas layout. In its place, the President has requested a custom adult-size Moon Bounce and a boom box on which "Funkytown" by Lipps, Inc. must play at full volume from the hours of 8:00 AM to 6:15 PM.

In lieu of Christmas gifts, President Obama will expect gratitude from all of the non-salaried staff for the new health care plan. He has requested that any staff member who wishes to thank him personally and cannot afford an appropriate greeting card should provide a curt, simple "thank you" and to do their best not to cough on him.

All security personnel, including Secret Service (yes, you too, Eric) are advised to cease and desist any and all activities related to former Vice President Cheney's "Christmas Procedure Alpha Blackwing" whatever it may be. President Obama has no desire to know any part of what this custom used to entail and whether or not it has anything to do with the thirteen unblemished virgins who were delivered to the White House last night in a cage made of high-impact condensed salt. Regardless of their intended purpose, the virgins have all been returned to their homes, except for a Ukrainian girl named Aneshka who seems to have formed a friendship with Sasha Obama that transcends language.

The kitchen staff has already been asked to alter the official Christmas dinner menu. It will no longer feature former President Clinton's favorite dish, deep-fried Clark bars in bechamel sauce. Further, the insistence of both former Presidents Bush that the Christmas ham be glazed in peanut butter will no longer be honored. President Obama has requested that the ham be glazed "in chocolate syrup like it's supposed to be".

Thank you to all staff for your diligence and, as always, for your patience during the holiday season.

Merry Christmas,

-Rahm Emanuel, White House Chief of Staff (even though this isn't what my job is supposed to be about. Seriously, just because I'm Jewish doesn't mean that I'm okay with having to work on Christmas, especially to play babysitter to the maids and the cooks. When Bill was in office I used to spend Christmas sipping bourbon and listening to Sinatra. Man, the 90's were great. This decade sucks)