Chicago WILL Host the Olympics
I'll be honest, at first I didn't give two tosses about the whole Olympic Games in Chicago thing. I mean, I've got a lot on my plate right now. Sure, I'd be proud and everything, but when you're in the middle of two intractable wars, an economic meltdown, an embarrassing health care crisis and the prospect of half the damn country voting for a certifiably insane wolf-murderer from up north in 2012, the idea of some dude who's really good at throwing javelins coming to my city to throw some javelins better than a Korean guy who's also really good at throwing javelins isn't really more than a consolation prize.
I let Michelle have this one because, ya know, that's what First Ladies do. Lord knows I'm not around enough to keep her occupied. I'm lucky if I make it into the Lincoln more than once a week. I've slept in my chair in the conference room more nights than I'd like to admit. Not even the nice, comfy captain's chair in the Oval Office, either. The freaking squeaky conference room chair.
But I'll admit, I'm jazzed about this Olympics thing now. Jenny, the new intern, ended up giving me a double shot in my latte this morning instead of my usual single with a Splenda and a couple taps of cinnamon. I was gonna fire her, but then the extra jolt of energy helped me come up with my Reasons Chicago Should Host The Olympics list, so I decided to just call it Strike One instead. Here's what I have on the list so far:
1. Chicago Hotdogs are Superior to All Others. Seriously, I know all those New Yorkers think their dogs are the bomb, but what don't New Yorkers think they're the best at? Hillary runs around the White House telling everybody how much better the coffee was at her favorite little cafe in Harlem and how the drivers in D.C. don't even deserve to be on the road because, you guessed it, the drivers in New York have it so much worse but are somehow still more inherently skilled behind the wheel. God, I get sick of it. I've had a New York hotdog and, yeah, it wasn't some Oscar Meyer frank in a microwave. But a Chi-town dog? We use real freaking mustard and hit that business with some peppers because we don't mess around.
2. Our Competition, Rio De Janeiro, is Not Appropriate For Children. The Olympics are a family-friendly event. We don't need 7-year-old Jimmy to grow up too fast because the girls down there can't strap on a sports bra to play some soccer. Chicago, on the other hand, has no topless female soccer league at the professional level. Keep that stuff in the minors where it belongs.
3. Second City. That place is hilarious. 'Nuff said.
4. The L-Train is an Inspiration for Clean Mass Transit. The Olympics are about the people of the world getting together to celebrate the best their cultures have to offer. When it went to Nagano they premiered a bunch of new technology like those cool clapping ice skates. When it went to China they played those big drums. So, when the Olympics come to Chicago, and they will come to Chicago, the world will see that the people of the Windy City know how to get around.
5. I Don't Want to Lose My Bet with Geithner. Tim says the games are going to Rio and was willing to put money on it. I know it's a bad idea for me to want him to be wrong about an economic decision, but I really hate losing.
That's what I have so far. I'll probably come up with more later. I dunno, something about how it'll be good for the economy or something.
