I'm not fazed by people calling me the worst President in history. Every President gets called that by at least one person and unless we've been getting progressively worse since Washington, it's just not true. It also helps to remember who it is that's slinging the insult. I'm not angry at Ben Quayle for outright calling me the worst President in history. The poor kid has had to grow up being the son of the 20th century's biggest milquetoast. Seriously, how horrible must it be to be Dan Quayle's offspring? Every time that kid eats a potato he must die a little. That kind of thing wears on a man's soul, making him willing to hurt people just to get a little pride back. Still, I feel compelled to defend myself. Let's compare and contrast the most notoriously awful Presidents with my own, admittedly not-over term.

Herbert Hoover

The freaking Great Depression started while he was in office and the centerpiece of his foreign policy was to increase tariffs, which itself led to violence, an uncooperative global economy and a US economy that somehow got even worse. Under his administration things got so bad that the homeless population in the United States exploded and we had massive shanty towns called Hoovervilles. I, myself, have presided over a time of economic turmoil (though it started long before I got into office) but I think I've responded a bit better. With me, unemployment benefits have been extended and I've made inroads to establishing affordable health care. Have I "fixed" the economy? No, but I haven't made it worse.

Richard Nixon

There are hours and hours of tape recordings of Nixon scheming with his cronies to do elaborate espionage and other clearly illegal things to sabotage his opponents. His efforts to end the pointless war in Vietnam were slow and half-assed while his domestic policy more or less revolved around his stereotypical hatred of the young and progressive. He ignored his medical and legal advisers when they told him to legalize marijuana and then he presided over a program to weaponize LSD. Me? I'm about three inches away from ending all combat operations in Iraq and I ordered Federal law enforcement agencies to cease all marijuana-related initiatives.

Ulysses S. Grant

He took on post-Civil-War America with an utterly ramshackle frame of mind. Like my predecessor, he suspended habeus corpus when it made his job easier. His solution to the pending genocide of American Indians was to just stick them all in one place and give them no real government aid. Also, the frequency and intensity of government corruption has maybe never been higher than under Grant. As for where I stand on corruption, I have four words to answer that: Wall Street Reform Bill.

John Tyler

Supported slavery and saw his entire cabinet resign en mass. 'Nuff said.

Because I'm a classy guy, I'm not going to go into the many, many ways George W. Bush was a worse President than I'll ever be. I won't talk about how he responded to a national tragedy by starting two pointless wars that have claimed so many more lives than those who died in the 9/11 attacks. I won't talk about how his brainless domestic policy and complete unwillingness to fight corporate corruption resulted in a widespread economic collapse that has echoed throughout the world. I won't talk about how he and his cabinet defended the practice of torture without any scientific basis. Finally, I won't talk about how he stole the 2004 election through bald-faced manipulation and legal chicanery. Oops, I guess I just did.

Good luck in your Congressional bid, Ben.