2010 Girl Scout Cookie Initiative
Ladies and gentlemen, today we are standing at the beginning of a road to unparalleled deliciousness. Make no mistake, this road will be long and it will be winding. The journey will test our dedication to our nation and to our stomachs. But one thing is for certain, I have never doubted the tenacity and the gumption of the American spirit. Effective immediately, I have decided to spearhead an initiative to bring a diverse and significant collection of official Girl Scout Cookies into the White House (pause for applause). In 2010, no pantry in the seat of the government of the United States of America will be without the most delectable baked goods on the planet. And that's a promise. That is a promise.
When I came into office a year ago, there was a disturbing dearth of Girl Scout Cookies. I have it on good authority that the White House went as many as eight years without a single Samoa or Thin Mint. Like Maria Cordoba of the cleaning staff who was forced to resort to the vending machine for a sweet finish to her lunch breaks. Or Tom, the Alexandria, Virginia resident who diligently delivered the cabinet's coffee every day for fifteen years, coming in one day to work to discover that his beloved Tagalongs were suddenly absent. This was the last administration's prerogative, but I say this is unacceptable. That is why I have made it my top priority to put together a three-point plan to make sure that the White House under my watch will never be without an ample supply of Girl Scout Cookies again.
Point #1: A bi-partisan effort to mandate cookie purchases. I've seen the numbers. I am aware that our nation is currently experiencing far-reaching financial strain, but now is not the time to circle the wagons and try to ride this thing out. We need to take steps to make our lives better and to make the lives of our children better by changing the way we do business in America. The reality of that necessity is that we spend some money, which may not be a popular thing to suggest but I wouldn't bring it up if I didn't think it would improve conditions in the long run. So, I'm working with law makers from both sides of the aisle to make sure as many Americans as possible take responsibility for their cookie needs and that they have an affordable means of doing so. Under this new plan, 96% of all Americans will have the opportunity to purchase cookies. That's 65% more than can currently afford this necessity.
Point #2: A cookie tax overhaul. There's one thing I want to make clear. If you can't afford to purchase more than five boxes of Girl Scout Cookies in a year, you won't see a single increase in the amount of the cookies that go to the White House. No, I don't believe in asking America's middle class to shoulder the burden of its government's voracious cookie appetite. With the proposed changes to the cookie tax structure, only those individuals who can afford to purchase ten boxes or more will see an increase in the amount of cookies to be sent to the White House. I've been working around the clock with my financial advisers and they are certain that this new structure will provide the White House pantries with an ample supply of Girl Scout Cookies.
Point #3: Incentives for banks to pay back their stimulus loans in cookie form. Several months ago, I asked the American people to support a plan to give many of our financial institutions the aid they needed to stay solvent and the American people did just that. Now it's time for those institutions to give back to the country. While a cash with interest payment plan is still an option, the White House is prepared to offer banks who benefited from the stimulus bill a variety of incentives to pay back their loans in official Girl Scout Cookies, in part or in full. We'll be working with regulators to make sure these banks don't go through bulk-order loopholes. We all have favorites, but America is built on diversity. My White House will not see an imbalance of cookie varieties if I have anything to say about it.
Lastly, I would like to encourage everyone to support Troupe #57 of the Washington D.C. Girl Scouts of America by making your cookie purchases through them. Troupe #57 is a collection of fine, young Americans, the future leaders of our great nation. I believe in their aptitude so much that I am proud to be the father of a Troupe #57 Scout. God bless and thank you for your continued patriotism.
