December 2009

  • Christmas House Procedures

    By Prez on 12/25/09 6:04am
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    All White House personnel be advised that as of midnight on December 25th we have all been in official holiday mode. This being the first time in eight years that a new Commander in Chief has occupied the house, a number of old traditions will be discontinued while some new customs will be instituted as per President Obama's wishes. Please be advised as to the following changes in Christmas procedure.



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  • So... So Cold

    By Prez on 12/18/09 4:47am
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    This is insane. This is just not fair. How freaking ironic is it that we're having a conference about global warming in a city that's this cold? I swear, I think there's snow in my lungs. In my lungs. Like even the air I breathe is cold enough to get into my body and stay frosty enough to have a lasting layer of slush over everything. This is ridiculous. What's so freaking special about Copenhagen?



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  • My Christmas List

    By Prez on 12/11/09 3:54am
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    Dear Santa,

    Hi, it's me, Barack Obama. The President. Well, not your president. The United States has very little claim on the territories around the North Pole, but our intel satellites indicate that you have been hard at work constructing toys and performing test launches for your latest model of sleigh. Don't worry, the only reason we had our CIA eyes on you is because it turns out that reindeer emissions are chemically indistinguishable from the industrial byproducts of the uranium enrichment process. Our boys have you in the clear and I want to assure you that the killing of the elf known as Twinkle Blinkins has nothing to do with any of our surveillance. We aren't ready to point fingers just yet, but our sources say it was either the result of an over-zealous Russian oil expedition or possibly some drunk hunters from Norway that got their hands on old Soviet munitions. Anyway, I think you'd agree that I've been a very good boy this year (Nobel Peace Prize and everything), so I thought I'd take this opportunity to send you my wish list for Christmas 2009.



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  • The Treasure of Kabul

    By Prez on 12/7/09 5:34am
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    Andy Ward knows which Grail is realAndy Ward knows which Grail is real

    I've wandered this grand world in search of it. I've studied the maps brought into the Oval Office for the past year. I dispatched Joe Biden and an army of experts to find it. But now, at the eve of my second year in the presidency, I think I've finally caught the trail. I will launch a thousand-score troops to find the great treasure of ancient Afghanistan.



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