November 2009

  • Thanksgiving Secrets

    By Prez on 11/28/09 5:27am
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    Alright, diary. I don't have much time so I'm just gonna go over the major points. I snuck off in the middle of dinner because I had to get out of there for a little while. The White House Thanksgiving Dinner (tm) is absolutely bonkers. The table is bigger than my first apartment, everybody's asking me tons of questions and they all look at me like they're waiting for me to keel over from poison every single time I take a bite. I mean, I know the death threats against me have basically tripled lately, but come on, you think the Secret Service doesn't check the freaking turkey?



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  • My Brother, China and Health Care

    By Prez on 11/19/09 7:12pm
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    psychic squad 1985psychic squad 1985

    I'm so glad I have you, diary, because without you I wouldn't be able to vent all the really awesome secrets I learn, like, every single day as President. Seriously, I thought this kind of stuff only happened in those National Treasure movies (which rule, by the way) but the neat-o presidential super-secrets are totally a part of the job. The thing that sucks is that I can't tell anybody about them. All the people I'm allowed to talk to about them already know them, so where's the fun in that? Anyway, these are my three favorite secrets I just learned recently. If I don't get them out somewhere, I'm gonna explode.



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  • My Main Man Bill Clinton

    By Prez on 11/13/09 12:59am
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    Andy Ward's got the youth vote clinchedAndy Ward's got the youth vote clinched

    Man, Bill really went to the plate for me over this whole health care thing. I mean, the dude's not even in office anymore and they still listen to him more than they listen to me. I don't blame them, though. My man Clinton is a straight-up class act, I'm talking 24/7/365. I can admit my strengths. I write better speeches than him, plus I can handle my smoke, but I'm just not a head-cracker. I used to wonder what he and Hillary saw in each other, but now I don't have any questions. At least, not after I saw the two of them take down a 10-point buck with a coordinated assault complete with camo and a pincer maneuver. Clintons are hardcore.



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  • Yawn

    By Prez on 11/7/09 3:56pm
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    Dear Diary,

    Today, I was very busy doing absolutely nothing. My schedule has been completely swamped with inaction and let me tell you, I've never been more exhausted. Just thinking about all the things I haven't done this week makes me feel like laying down. Really, I'm positively winded.



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