September 2009

  • Sit Down and Shut Up Doesn't Quite Cut It

    By Prez on 9/24/09 3:34pm
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    How in the hell did Carter do it? How could he lock himself in a room with these people for days at a time? I spoke to Netanyahu and Abbas on opposite sides of the room, several hours apart and I could still feel this... this... seething, irrational hatred just emanating from them like old, half-busted radiators in a brutal North Dakota January. Geez, now I'm spinning homilies, or talking like a freaking dime-store novel detective. I hate going to the U.N.



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  • U of M Rockin' The House (and the Senate)

    By Prez on 9/17/09 1:21pm
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    Tonight I'm gonna party like it's 2016 and Palin got abandoned on a mission to the moon. These college kids think I'm so fly... no, they know I'm so fly, that's why they all voted for me. Yeah, they alllll voted for me. Like, the demographic that "never, ever votes" came out like a freaking parade just to put my sweet caboose in the Oval Office. And now I'm back, trotting around in their auditorium telling them how I'm gonna give their sick, injured selves insurance even if it kills me. Man, I miss my 'fro.



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  • Joey Wilson is a Great Big Jerk-Head

    By Prez on 9/10/09 4:59pm
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    headus jerkus maximusheadus jerkus maximus

    I thought I really nailed it, ya know? I worked so hard on that speech. I did, like, a million drafts and I practiced it in front of the mirror. Sasha even taught me how to make my own youtube videos so I could really see how I looked and sounded before I did the whole thing in front of Congress. Man, it was rock-solid by the time I trotted down to Capitol Hill. Maybe the best speech of my life, even better than my 10th grade debate class final. Nobody knows about that one, diary, but it was epic. Totally blew the '04 convention speech out of the water, in retrospect at least. Yeah, but then that jerk Joe Wilson had to go and screw it all up.



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  • Who Needs Health Care Anyway?

    By Prez on 9/4/09 1:54am
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    To hell with it.

    Yeah, that's right. Why don't we just drop the whole thing, forget it ever happened? I mean, it was just some silly ploy to get me elected, right? Affordable health care is for losers. In fact, being healthy might as well be called "being a retainer-wearing asthmatic spaz named Poindexter". We're in America. It's better to be cool than, ya know, have a functioning liver or the ability to breathe without a home-made ventilating apparatus. I know my childhood would have been improved by a complete lack of medical coverage.



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