The Secret Diary of Barack Obama

The Noise

The American political system is intentionally slow and only capable of incremental change. Look at just about any "big" reform in U.S. history and you'll actually find decades of gradual developments augmenting an initial, insufficient bill. Even life-changing things like Social Security and Medicare weren't ratified in the modern state overnight. Nobody wants to admit that, though. Whoever's proposing a bill has to act like it's going to change the country immediately and forever because saying, "This will lay the groundwork for decades of slow reform" isn't sexy enough to get votes. At the same time, opponents of a bill can't act like it's just one baby step in a new direction that can easily be altered in a variety of ways down the line. Instead, they have to make every proposal they oppose into the falling sky of government action. This is The Noise, the shouting above reason that obscures truths and details for the sake of political grandstanding. Consider the following:

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Time Travel Wit Da Bears

In 1985, the Chicago Bears were a star NFL team enjoying a lot of media coverage. They graced the screens of countless home televisions and sports bar tubes when they took to the field, they gave interviews to sports pages and magazines, and they even had a minor hit on the pop charts with "The Super Bowl Shuffle". Long thought a campy relic of the 80's, The Shuffle was actually part of a complex system of energy focusing techniques necessary for creating a wormhole through time. An international team of physicists attempted to fabricate the maneuvers with machinery, only to discover that the grace and nuance required for the requisite subatomic tremors to occur were exclusive to the gridiron perfection of the 1985 Bears starting line. The first successful tear in the fabric of space-time opened up a brief portal to the year 2011 where and when the Bears were and are tasked with gleaning as much information about the future as possible to help improve life in their home time and hopefully avert certain disasters. Here is what they've learned while spending time with 2011 President Barack Obama.

Review of Obama's West Coast Tour

President Barack Obama's re-election campaign is in full swing. In an effort to raise funds and make his presence known to a region of the nation that, let's face it, pretty much acts like its own, independent country most of the time, Mr. Obama spent a few days touring the west coast. This is a review of his experiences in California, Washington and the non-coastal but still fairly wealthy state of Colorado.

Lady Gaga on My List

I'm the President, so you know when I say this it's pretty damn serious: I'm almost certain that this country and perhaps the whole world around it is falling apart. I didn't want to believe it back when I was running and I ignored the signs for the first few years in office, but it's getting clearer every day that life as we know it will soon no longer be possible. How do I know this? Because I checked my schedule recently and realized that Lady Gaga is the most reasonable, down-to-earth person I'll be talking to for the foreseeable future.

Maybe Don't Stand On That Bridge, Mr. President

Hey there, Mr. President. My name's Lloyd Thompson. I'm a lifelong Ohioan, an electrician by trade and chairman of the South Cincinnati Welcome Committee. I just gotta say right off the bat how excited we all are that you'll be coming to town next week to talk about your jobs bill. Some of us agree with you, some may need some convincing and others are waiting to hear what you have to say before they sit on one side or t'other, but I'm not really here to talk politics. Truth is, we gotta have a little chat about the proposed location of your address. There's no gentle way to put this, so I'll just come right out with it: The Brent Spence Bridge is a very bad idea.

The Peanut Gallery: The American Jobs Act

On September 8th, 2011, President Barack Obama made an address to Congress promoting his newest piece of legislation, which he is calling The American Jobs Act. Though his address was directed at lawmakers, he frequently referenced the lives and experiences of everyday Americans. Here's what some of them had to say in the truest form of free, public expression: Snarky comments shouted at a TV screen where few, if any, can hear them. Mr. Obama's words appear in italics, the public commentary to follow.

Let Me Just Move That For You

Oh, boy! I'm really jazzed about my economics speech I'm gonna give to the joint houses of Congress on September 7th. Yessir, it's really gonna send a message for me to pounce on them about the jobs situation the moment they get back in office. Yeah, that's some real good presidentin' I'm doing and... oh, what's that John Boehner? You say that giving the speech on September 7th is inconvenient for the lot of you? Well, I wouldn't want to inconvenience you congressional folks. No, siree. Let me just open my calendar and take care of this little hiccup right away. Done and done. The speech has been moved to September 8th. See? No problem. Say, would you like some coffee?

The Obama 2012 Super Squad

When fear takes the limelight from courage, when justice is threatened by the forces of conservatism, when the fate of the nation hangs in the balance, the democratic base of America need only call upon...

The Obama 2012 Super Squad!

Made up of a team of dedicated campaigners, the Super Squad is here to battle democracy's greatest nemesis. No, not theocratic terrorists. Not law-circumventing ultra-capitalists. Bureaucratic paper-pushers with more respect for rules and regulations than the nuances of life? No! The Super Squad is here to combat the true enemy of the democratic process: The fact that reasonable, informed people tend not to vote as consistently or with as much solidarity as the mix of extremists, the ill-educated and the elderly that make up much of the Republican base! President Barack Obama has assembled a crack collection of outreach specialists to address this dire political climate for his new initiative, Project Vote. Roll call!

My "Vacation"

I knew I'd be getting grief from my so-called political opponents for spending a few days in Martha's Vineyard this month. I mean, it's not like I've been working my ass off on little to no sleep for the entire summer thanks to the GOP's thoroughly manufactured "debt crisis" malarkey. These people have been waging war on me to the detriment of the entire nation and now they're just trying to wear me down by disturbing my latest attempt to actually get some rest. Not that their attacks are all that effective. Donald Trump, if anyone ever listens to that jerk anymore, insists that I take more vacations than anyone he's ever heard of. Apparently he was in a coma for the entire G.W. Bush presidency. You know, the guy who took over 100 days of vacation in three years as President, the guy who remained on vacation while New Orleans drowned? And Mitt Romney... he's having a grand old time trying to negotiate the gaffe minefield I've set up for him by vacationing in his home state. Good luck with that one, you life-size Ken doll. The joke's on them, though, because I'm not really on vacation. No, I've got bigger things up my sleeve.

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Primary Challenger for Obama

In the wake of the debt ceiling debate disaster, Americans have experienced an unprecedented loss of confidence in their leaders' abilities. Approval ratings for Congress are in the single digits and President Barack Obama's public image is suffering greatly as well. In these precursor days to the next election, this instability has led some to openly discuss supporting a liberal alternative to Obama's centrist approach to government. One voice in particular, that of Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders, has suggested that the best way to get our current President back on track is to shake him from his complacency with a challenger in the upcoming presidential primaries. We talked to a few of the names mentioned as potential challengers to see what they think of taking on a sitting head of state on their own side of the aisle.